It's what you hear
by Mellie D
Summary: Felix the footman in the royal palace overhears a conversation between Rupert, Clarisse, and Joseph.


To everyone who's mind resides in the gutter...welcome to my world.

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"Would you care to join me over here?" Felix's eyes widened at the Queen's request of her husband. The Queen sounded so sultry…her voice had a low husky quality to it that any man would find attractive. 

"I think you're doing just fine by yourself." The king's voice sounded through the door.

"It's more fun when _you_ join me." She was teasing him. Felix couldn't help but wonder exactly _what_ they were talking about.

"Oh Clarisse, I'm not really in the mood this evening." Felix's eyes widened when he heard the king's excuse. _Oh my god!_ He thought. _How could the King _not_ be in the mood after a request like that?_ Her voice alone had been enough to put Felix in the mood.

"Please, Rupert, just for a little while?" Felix was the footman for the Royal chamber this evening. He had just been promoted yesterday, and although it was only the night shift, it was still _the_ royal bedchamber.

"Darling, I'm too tired, really." The king really did sound tired, Felix noted.

"But you know how much I hate to do it by myself. And it's been so long since we've done it together." Felix couldn't help his mouth dropping open. Was he really about to be privy to _this? _Maybe the night shift wasn't as dull or uninteresting as he'd been led to believe.

"Clarisse, I'm sorry, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. If you're so determined to do it tonight, see if Joseph would join you."

"You know he wouldn't do anything…" the Queen moving away from the door muffled the rest of her argument. The last part of her plea to her husband could be heard though, as she apparently moved closer to the door. "…without your approval. He's too chivalrous."

The king laughed, and Felix heard the door to the balcony open. A few minutes later he heard the chief of security say, "Only if you're sure, your highness. I wouldn't want to offend either of you by doing this."

"Oh no, my boy! Have at it, just make her happy!"

"Yes sir!" was the enthusiastic reply.

"Are you sure you won't join us Rupert? You know, it's much more fun with three people."

"No, darling, you two have fun."

Felix heard the door to the bedchamber close, and wondered exactly who had gone to bed – the king or Joseph and Clarisse.

"Are you sure you don't mind taking Rupert's place?"

"Not at all, your majesty."

"Clarisse. I think if you're going to do this with me, we should drop the titles."

"Alright…Clarisse."

"Where should we start?"

"Well, I think we should agree on what you want, first."

Felix was practically panting. He knew the gossip mill would be busy tomorrow, and it was all because of his discovery…the Queen and Joseph. And the king APPROVED!

"You're absolutely right. Any suggestions?"

"This?"

"No…."

"How about…?"

"No, Rupert and I did that not too long ago."

"Oh, well…"

"I want something….different."

"How about this?"

"Oh yes, Joseph! That would be wonderful!"

Felix didn't hear much more from the room for quite a while except for the occasional "mmm" or "yes". Other than that, the couple seemed content to keep their activities quiet and let the king sleep. He wondered if they had finished when he heard a door open again.

"Rupert! Darling, did we wake you?" Apparently Joseph was still in the room, and now the king had joined them.

"No, as it turns out, I was curios what you decided to do. Mind if I watch?"

"Not at all. …Oh Joseph, it's so big!"

"Well, you did want something…_different_."

"Indeed I did. Rupert, you must come over here and see how big it is. Show him Joseph."

The king let out a whistle of approval. "That is rather large, are you sure you can handle it, Clarisse?"

"Now that you've seen it, are you sure you won't join us? It really would be much more fun with three people."

"Well, if you don't think I'll be in the way…"

"Your majesty, if you would like, I'll stop…"

"No, no, no, stay put. Clarisse obviously enjoys having you with her."

"Yes, please stay, Joseph. Rupert can put his attention here on this part while you and I focus on …"

"Yes, your majesty."

The room fell silent again, and Felix was standing there bug-eyed. The king…the Queen…and Joseph? He figured the old man had it in him…but the Queen? She seemed so prim and proper.

A repeated banging could be heard from inside the bedchamber.

"Rupert, Rupert, Rupert! Stop! Don't force it in…Rupert!"

"It _will_ fit Clarisse. I know it will."

The queen replied, "move your hands, let me do it."

"Clarisse! I _have_ done this before."

"Yes, but now look what you've done! It's stuck!"

"Well, pull it out!"

"Why did you force it in there in the first place?"

"Because that's where it goes!"

"There are _other_ options!"

"Joseph, would you tell her that it _does _fit?"

"I'm sorry, your majesty, but I do believe that her majesty is correct. It's stuck."

"Well, you try and get it out!" The king was furious.

The queen snapped at her husband. "He didn't put it in there, you did. It's yours, now take it out!"

"I can't…you're the one who wanted me to join you, now you do something about it! I only wanted to watch."

"Joseph, would you please…"

"Here, let me….excuse me your majesty, if I could just….there we go. It's out."

"Oh! Thank goodness!"

"Hmmph."

"Oh tosh!"

"Your majesty, I do believe you can put it in here."

"Oh yes, Rupert! That…that's perfect."

"Joseph, you can put yours here….no, turn it a little bit."

"We're almost done, thank god!" The king sounded relieved.

"Rupert, it's not the speed at which you do it, it's the end result!"

"Either way, we're almost done…just stick it in Joseph!"

"Rupert!"

"Clarisse!"

"Oh! Joseph! You finished! It really was big, and it's so…different. Rupert likes the small ones."

"Well, the smaller, the quicker."

Felix heard the Queen chuckle at her husband's remark.

"You know, I really wish we could do this more often." She said.

"Oh No! I'm not doing this with you again for quite some time. I now suddenly remembered why I don't like doing this with you. You're too bossy." The king had a playful tone to his words.

"Well, if Rupert won't join me, will you, Joseph?"

"Your Majesty…"

"Oh please! Just make sure you don't do it while you're on the clock. Can't have you getting paid for fun and games with my wife!"

"Yes, sir. I'll make sure I'm off duty."

"Rupert, you can't ask Joseph to appease me on his precious off hours."

"Oh no, your majesty, I really enjoyed this with you. And I look forward to doing it again."

"Oh wonderful. Next time, we'll see if Charlotte's available."

_Charlotte?_ Felix was shocked. So the Queen was the one who liked threesomes, not the king. That thought had him standing at attention in more ways than one.

"I'm going to bed."

"Good night dear. I'll join you in a little bit. I just need to clean up."

"I'll help you, your majesty."

"Oh, thank you Joseph."

"My pleasure."

"You know, next time we should try something a bit more adventurous."

"I agree….let's try a 1,000 piece puzzle next."

Felix fell against the door in agony. Maybe tomorrow he's request a transfer back to his old job at the front doors, he thought as he wiped his brow. What had he been thinking? Of COURSE the Queen wouldn't do anything like _that!_

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A/N: Gotcha. 

Many thanks to Rach who beta'd this sucker for me. Turns out her mind lives in the gutter too.


End file.
